Christmas Break

I'm watching Little Women with my mom and KT.

I'm in an awful mood.

Its hard to be in Maryland.

Its challenging to have my emotions all the time. how tiring.

I need to really just get away from everything. Well, Maryland. I'm not sure why my family can't get along considering I feel that my sisters and my parents are amazing and incredible people. Not sure really whats going on.

I'm reading Eclipse though. sigh....edward.

And we had a massive reunion with two of our familys that we always hung out with as kids yesterday. wow. memories. very wierd and like at some points things that i had forgotten came rushing back. very strange feeling....
but not at all bad :)

I hope your Christmas is going well...

I need to get a grip.

girls. who are we?

i'm over it.

i was just on facebook. and i have something to say.

girls are desperate.

we all are.

for attention that makes us feel like we're wanted. (particularly by guys). a call, a look, a note, a facebook post, a text, etc. we NEED it. even if we don't like the guy...we need attention.

what is is that happens inside of us that we need that kind of attention?

I just saw a comment on an old friend's wall that said 'hey you never replied to my text so i thought i'd just post on here.'

here's one thing about guys-i think- if they really find you important or worth their time, they'll pay attention to you...if not, then they're over it, or were never into it....

even just guy friends seem to be that way....

I don't know. It disturbs me that we act and even feeel the way we do.

i'm over it.

i'm good. i'm independent. get over yourself ladies.

actually, i just was talking to another friend about this last week. the guy she liked wasn't paying attention to her....so i said. 'just live.' do what you want and don't think so much about it. really...


so. live. love. enjoy moments. but don't think too much. i mean, keep your head and be sensible, but be yourself and love.....


the end.





ps. guys have just as many issues as we do. but this is just one of i was thinking of. so guys, you aren't off the hook.

home in Maryland. what is home.

hi.

i don't have much to write about.

i have been thinking a lot. maybe not enough though...

i think falalala lifetime has clouded my brain.

more later. if i can get on the compy again.

my hair is now cut. but you know that cuz you all have facebook lol..


i hope you're Christmas is going well..and yes, i consider all of "Christmastime" as Christmas...by the way...

conversations...

This week has already been interesting and its really only Tuesday night. It feels like its been a whole lot longer....

I had a good conversation today and now it has me in a completely different mood than the rest of this week has gone.

lauren and dusty are good to talk to...

see, we discussed approval...and our view of ourselves...and what really matters...and the future...and what we need.

Approval- I seek others' approval, more than some. I'm not sure when that started but its as if other's constantly had to build me up or i felt like i had no worth. wow. But really....the cool thing is that even if everyone else deserts me and thinks I stink and even my closest friends are gone i still have one thing that can never be taken away. God's love is always wrapped around me..what an intense thought. Its as if He tapped me and said, 'hey, I'm still here and My love for you will never leave!" wow...

View of myself-- same as above...but then lauren brought up this thought...if i was standing in a field and everything had been stripped away, my friends, people who compliment me, my style, my hair (ouch), my musical ability, whatever...what would still be there??? I don't need to DO something or BE something for God to love me and to be in my life...

and if I truly want to serve God and Worship Him with my life, and if I truly believe that God is the most important thing in my life, I need to make Him the center of my life and strive to be more like Him. I lose focus so easily.....

The Future...isn't it scary? There's a lot to be done. A lot to see. A lot to encounter. Exciting...scary...but mostly exciting.

So...I need to keep focused. I really need to only say my sights on what is pleasing to God and what He wants for my life...everything else is a factor of that...something that stems from that.....



oh man.....what happens to me sometimes???? wow....

what?

Well...all of my family has gone home for Christmas. This feeling just keeps getting wierder and wierder. My parents now ASK me when I'm coming home. i can go home or not go home. I can show up tomorrow (well not really haha) or in two weeks. Its very strange. I feel like this transition is simply me sitting in waiting room waiting for my name to be called. "tori. its your turn." Hahah. That really makes no sense, though because I get to do a lot of cool things. So, convince my mind of this, I guess.

side note: random fact: i'm very visual. i see things play out better than i can explain them. Ideas/concepts are shown in my head and I can't get out hahah...just look at the way i write lol And I think thats why I talk with my hands a lot...and one of the reasons I love music. you CAN NOT explain it. for real. Can you explain to me in terms that are very real and very evident and concrete that I should be able to hear a chord and hear all three notes and identify them and be able to sing/play them back in the same octave-what even is an octave? o gosh. music-such a mystery. and i want to keep it that way. I think that God speaks to me through music in intangible ways, and I can speak through it to other people and not be able to understand it-and I love that. I will never regret learning music theory or taking violin lessons (haha) but I really love not remembering some of the things that I learned. music. love. beauty. joy. in the soul.

whoa long side note...

...
Anyways, this weekend I'm playing for the Cantata at Lakeholm. This will be a completely different experience than last week! Wow-complete 180. I like that though. And my fingers have finally recovered from so much playing. Which means two things-one I play my electric and its harder to play, heavier...and number two-i need to play more..in general. I've done so much singing/piano-ing that I haven't done enough violin. Oh gosh-remember how you music majors will never stop being music "majors'-cuz you can ALWAYS be better. wierd. another thing i love about music. wow. anyways...

side note: there was a commercial that just sang a beautiful song that said "music saves your life" sigh....


Remember how i'm in love with music right now?
Thank you God for giving me that love that is gonna keep me going when I'm not sure what my life is about....or where i'm going......


sigh.

life......


enough for now.

so.....
i'm not in college which is wierd.

tonight's party was fun :) mostly.

i like tacos.

i've never been this tired in my life.

i need to sleep.

a lot.

and then drink starbucks lol.

i'm watching will and grace. i love will and grace.

i love Christmas.

and being random.

but i'm pissy currently. dont know why......

traveling on....

well, I'm in Michigan.

the end
;)

No, really.

But, today has been a time for reflection.
Now that college is basically...over..(kinda) I've had a lot and prlly to much time to think. For some reason that isn't good most of the time, but I think today it was. Here's what I thought about...

rehearsing tonight, I stopped and went "oh my word. do i even realize what mary did and went through?" (Jesus' mom). Why did that hit me then, I don't know. But it was so real, and it impacted me. Then again, there's something about this place that is really good for me. I think they appreciate the Arts a lot and it makes me feel comfortable to be here. Also, This play, or whatever you want to call it, is so passion-filled, so meaningful on some many levels and will reach sooo many people. they have a lot of community members who are dancers and set people..etc..its just amazing. It just realllly means so much. Wow....I can't even explain.

Ok, next!
I have gotten so far from the core of who I am - I'm not even talking about my faith or the fact that I believe in God- but I'm talking about what I like, what I don't like and who I am and want to be. The essentials are there, but have I been lying to myself about what I like in people or what I need to be or do to be more Christlike? do I lie to myself and say that I should/shouldn't do things cuz I don't have time when I do? Or do I really have reasons not to do things? I don't really know how to put into words what I'm saying...gosh...

then i just re-read that and thought God and Faith are the core of who I am...all the other stuff changes. But, sometimes I think that I'm one way and people see me the wrong way and I'll never be Christ-like enough in peoples' minds. Then I think maybe I shouldn't care so much???


ahhh.
wow.
that was out of control.

I also thought about my recording session in December. That will be fun.

Do you know I get to use a wireless mic for my electric and use in-ears. nice huh?
this is fun.
today i got to play the piano for a good hour and it was in this dark room that was just me....
sigh.
this is who i am.

ugh.....

I hope you didn't just read all that. you're probably almost as confused as me now!!!!!



twasout

ok. i'm confused by this whole thing. really want i want to do is post a link to my xanga. that way i will only write one time....
tell me!
oh, and my xanga is xanga.com/musakprincess4jc

hmmm.......

New. maybe?

I'm confused.