Autumn's Newness

Autumn always makes me feel more like an adult-a 23 year old-adult. I love the smells, the colors, the cold weather, the jackets, the boots, the sunshine and wind, the love and honestly, it makes me feel more serious. I love smelling the air and breathing it in-there's a newness about autumn.

I love music. The feeling I get when I sit down at the piano. The clarity I have when I'm playing the keys. Expressing myself for no one except myself and God.

Laughing.

Contentment.

Jesus.

Unconditional Love.

Breathing.

Loving.

relaxing

The last two weeks have been wonderfully dramatic.

I love music. I love creating it and hearing it and making it better. I love doing so many different things with it. Hearing different genres and seeing peoples' talents that are completely different from others' talents. I love to see people who are so passionate and we can share in that and make a great product. I got to work with musicians who really and truly wanted to make the best possible music they could and I believe we came out of the last two training weeks with a great sound and a lot of genres and styles of songs that are really going to make an interesting summer musically. And these kids worked really hard. I don't know what i would've done with a group that didnt really care. THey loved it and I have full confidence that they will love this summer.

I want to keep doing all of these music things. I want to train, to inspire, to perform, to Worship, and to listen. all of them. for the rest of my life. yes. the end.

Everything is changing. my whole life is about to change. i think. who knows though. I now have to transition from representing a school to representing myself. I don't need to worry about how the school looks but how i look. Not that i need to worry about what others think but in representing myself its almost like i have to sell myself and prove myself on a constant basis. I'm not sure what i think about that. I'm not sure how to act, dress, think, or to go on. I'm just really confused. I know, however, who I need to represent and the way that He wants me to be. I am also learning that God is always here and I only need to trust in Him to get through each day. Now that I have a very open future (haha) God is giving me things to do one at a time and filling out at least a immediate future. Not sure where He's leading me. Not sure where I'll be in a month, or a year, but I do know who holds that. And i'm learning that. I don't think its just something that I can say in a cliche way, but I can say it in a way that so far God has brought me through and I know He will continue to do so. What is life without hope?

Today was good.
Tomorrow I'll worry about that day.
but for today, i need to only think about today.
so, what does that mean?

i'm working. i'm trying. I'm praying. I'm trusting. learning.

o gosh.

twasout.

my thoughts. right now.

I think I'm beginning to change my views on life. yes, I think I am. And, I want to write these thoughts down so that I don't fall back into my trap of fooling myself with my old thoughts.

What right do I have to freak out about what life has for me? or rather, what God has for me? I've been so caught up in what people say i should be doing with my life and what I feel like I should be doing that I've forgotten that that is not what life is about. Like, I don't need to be planning my every move and deciding what I need to be doing for the next 20 years. My life is about today, not 34 years from now.

If God wants me to leave the country tomorrow, I'm going. If He wants me to be a Worship Leader in Texas, I'm going. None of this stubborness or lack of commitment. I love what I'm doing right now-even though its completely frustrating sometimes-I feel like its where I need to be. Mount Vernon. Mount Vernon. I can't believe I stayed and here and I can't believe I'm ok with it.


Also, what is life about? Achievement or People?

Taking the time to invest in people. What does that completely look like?

Its not what I want.

I really hope that these thoughts and feelings continue.

Then again, I wish I didn't have feelings sometimes. I'm so filled with emotion all the time. I've built up feelings towards certain things that I wish I could get out of my head. My head and my heart tell me two different things many times but I can only hear my head-which is stubborn and wrong a lot of the time. What is the truth?

I really have been enjoying getting to hang out with people more recently. I cried so much on move out day which is so unlike me. Is my apathy diminishing?! wow. Who am I and what am i becoming? And do I like it?

wow. i'm thinking a lot. but i think its a good thing. Lots of great stuff coming up this month. I'll try to keep you posted more than I have been. oops....

lately

I don't really wanna write my life down right now.

My mind is everywhere. I'm very happy with a lot of things in my life. Some things...not so much. But I'm going to dwell on how my life is NOT a mess. Wow. Everytime i get myself down, God lifts me back up...Its amazing the depressing thoughts that are sooo very irrational. I don't know why I let myself think the same thoughts that bring me down constantly. Oh well..life is about learning and growing. The best thing about getting older, I think so far, is that I've made the mistakes and I don't have to do them again. aka I know what NOT to do. Interesting....

I could go into how its easier to make the same mistakes once you've done them...but its still something I'm thinking about hahah...

I don't regret things. I refuse, so there is today. A promise that we don't have to be like we were yesterday, we don't have to have the same thoughts or speak the same words. There really is NO obligation to being like our old selves. And i'm not neccessarily talking about before I accepted Christ as my Saviour=after it too....interesting. We should never stop growing and maturing. never. stopping or taking a break or not continually working on our relationship with Christ is definitely a mistake...

hello conviction on tori. haha.

I love Hebrews. just fyi.

hope you're having a brilliant eve.

twas.

a thoughtful week....

This week I've been in a strange mood. My moods come out of no where as if a light switch has been flicked on or off somewhere in my brain. I didn't know at the time, though, that it was been turned on, however. But now, a few days later, looking back, it makes sense. A single event can stop my day, and its as if my brain suddenly remembers everything that has gone wrong in the last month and piles it on to whatever I've let bother me.

....see, I can see after one of these times what has just happened, but at that point I can do nothing to stop it. I need to figure it out, so I can stop the train.

But that left me thoughtful about my life and my priorities. What am I doing with my life? And I don't mean what is my 'career', but what am I doing with my everyday life and what/who am I living for? If I'm not thinking on a more consistent basis about life and how to challenge myself and what I'm doing with my everyday, I think I will have lost a bit of myself. So, there's my challenge, I guess.

I think that this 'thoughtfulness' has changed me this week. Who knows when I'll be my normal "chipper" self haha. what does chipper even mean?!? But, maybe I need this. I need to wake up and not just sit around and blah blah blah. I feel like i'm always saying this myself...yuck.

I hope your week is going well. Stop to think.

side note: i'm watching american idol. and there's actually good people on it. wow.

day to day

This is one of those posts....where I don't know what I'm going to say until I write it. This tends to be the way I live though, so no surprise.

Well..I seem to be living day to day and just seeing what happens each day. I can't see what I'll be doing a month from now, a year from now...and it scares me. It scares me because I don't even know what I want to be doing or where I want to be. Sure, I've wanted to travel and still do, but it doesn't seem to be an immediate thing anymore for me to get up and go somewhere and travel. What happened to me? Who am I? I'm just not sure....

In other news, the snow keeps coming down making it almost impossible to do the things I want to do. Yesterday, I got to go make some music at a school with Dusty, and that was a lot of fun, but I almost couldn't get even over to his house because of the snow. Today I can't go to Columbus like I need to because of the snow. So...really, its beautiful, but come on...

Am I losing focus.....I need a revival in my heart....

I also need a new house. but that's a completely different topic hahah

I can't fall asleep anymore. It takes me hours to fall asleep. I really can't handle that.
I also keep alternating between four hours and ten hours of sleep. wierd.

Beyonce is brilliant.

come on tori.....

update.

HI. My name is Tori. i'm 22. I live in Ohio. I am a musician. I love Jesus - a lot. I love to laugh - loudly. I see beauty in most everything. I'm passionate. I work but not enough. I'm a bit of a slacker, but I can't decide if that is cuz I'm lazy or just can't figure out what to do for the current time-prlly a combination of the both.

just thought i'd remind myself who i am....


This week has been fun so far. Lots of friends and eating and movies and going to the bathroom at kroger cuz my bathroom didn't work for a little while.
oops.

Sometimes I can see a longterm future, or at least dream about it. Somedays I see nothing but trhe moment that stretches into nothing...like my brain or heart is just existing. Which way is better to live? why am i asking so many questions this evening?

cockadoodledoo.

january has begun. 2008 is over. A good year, relatively. very wierd. It began with my senior recital and last sememster of MVNU (or so i thought.) Immediately starting as admissions counselor-M&M coordinator all summer with no days off and then kinda went to part time while singing/playing/leading Worship on the weekends. THat's where I am right now. I need another job. I want 2009 to be great. ew. i can't think of the future right now. i can't. I will sleep. oh yeah, remember how I shouldn't think when i'm this tired? its never good.

ok. so, there will be more soon. i just thought i'd write down what i'm thinking......