I'm home. in maryland. I've been here for almost a month. I'm learning. A lot- about myself. I feel like I'm at the eye doctor and he's put that machine over my eyes and he's asking, "is this better or this? Can you see clearer through A or B?" I'm having to decide and to figure out how to see clearer and how I can make myself see clearer the things I need to see. I have days of clarity and others of confusion. But, through a lot of hours of prayer and thought and discussion I truly do think I will come out of this experience changed for the better. By this experience, I mean living at home, giving up some of my freedom, moving seven hours from my whole life.
Do I feel like moving was the best idea for me? yes.
Do I miss Mount Vernon? as a city-no way! The Naz- nope. The People-duh.
This move has really forced me to ask myself where I am going. Not just where I am going, but how am i going to get there. I think that has been the question that has plagued my mind for awhile now. I may have a list of things I would love to accomplish-but what do I do first?
So, I spend my days learning. I feel like I need to have as much knowledge in my head as I can right now while I have the time. I'm learning about vocal technique, piano technique, song writing, and about myself. (i'm doing other things too. but...whatever)
Anyways, something I'm really learning is how to live without regret and to not let things in the past make me feel bad about myself or to hold grudges/be resentful. Umm...this is challenging. I think in the past year all of my stress has turned internal and created a horrible little stomach issue. So, whats the solution? Tried the whole 'blame it on organs in el stomacho' route but alas-every test came back with nothing wrong. So, I'm assuming now that at least some of it has to do with internalizing stress. The sad part is-a lot of it was not my stress to begin with. Sigh...so here's my solution.
forgive AND forget.
...i might write a book on this. haha.
Literally, the only thing that works to move on from the past is to 1. forgive others and yourself for bad things that might have happened. 2. realize there's nothing i can do to change what has happened. 3. realize that out of everything bad that has happened, there is ALWAYS good. always. a lesson learned, a friend made, a desperation that brings us closer to God.
In relationships, I've learned that no one is perfect-not that i thought anyone was perfect, but I think i've been learning how to love people. I'm NOT perfect- if you know me, then you know that. oops. BUT I'm learning that people make mistakes and i can not expect perfection from them. When things happen or I get hurt, I can either stay upset and allow myself to hurt myself by keeping bad feelings inside of my heart, or i can literally forget and move on. I'm not talking about forgetting and naively treating people the same way and allowing myself to get hurt BUT...
what does it look like to truly love someone?
should you love someone who has hurt you multiple times?
i think the answer is yes. getting hurt is a part of life, and i'm still trying to figure out how to love in a healthy fashion, and maybe having realistic expectations and dousing your whole life in prayer and trying to regulate your emotions (haha) is the key. Knowing that no matter what happens that you can't control other people nad that yes, you probably will be hurt is something that will help. I look at life as this perfect thing and then when it isnt I just get pulled down. But we do know the perfect sacrificial love of God-the love that can keep us alive when there is nothing else to live for and nothing else that really makes sense. How many times, in Jesus' life, did someone betray Him? How many people in the world did He share God's love and truth with that didn't believe Him or later turned away? Well...how can i deal with betrayal, confusion, etc? The same way Jesus did. sigh. Its something I'm obviously still working on.
I think thats what life is about. Learning. Loving. Desperately seeking God. Knowing that the only way to live a full life is to love as much as you can and go after what you love...sigh.
more to come... i dont even know if any of this makes sense because I dont read over what I write.
so..here's to more blogging in 2010.
loveyoutwasofyourlifeout.
1 comment:
living at home can be a strange, stretching ... strange thing. Its not bad... not all good either. But you will grow from it. I've been here from almost three years now and still don't know what to do or how to do it.
You're not alone in that sister.
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