I can walk on water?

Hello you,

I hope this day has been wonderfully fall-ish and smily for you. Whatever that might mean.

I don't even understand when exactly this hit me, or the full extent of what this means, but I thought, for my own benefit, I would write out these thoughts.

Recently someone talked about Peter walking on the water to Jesus.....here's the passage.

Matthew 14:

 "²⁵ Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. ²⁶ When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,”^(D) they said, and cried out in fear.

²⁷ But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage!^(E) It is I. Don’t be afraid.”^(F)

²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

²⁹ “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,”^(G)he said, “why did you doubt?”

³² And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. ³³ Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” '

I've heard this story so so so many times.  Like, someone can preach on it, and I know whats coming.  

However, the last time I heard this, my life suddenly became Peter's.  It was me who decided to step out of the boat and walk towards Jesus.  It was me, who suddenly was aware of all the 'wind' around me, it was me that took my eyes off of Jesus, me who started to falter and fall, but then Jesus' hand reaching down to me, pulling me closer to Him, saying "Why did you doubt, Tori?"

I think that if Peter had been asked to walk farther, he would've kept falling and Jesus would've been there holding out his hand as many times as it took for Peter to get to Him.  Jesus is like that, full of grace and mercy. Knowing that there is wind-obstacles, struggles, things that pull my attention off of Jesus, but also knowing that He is better, stronger, and more powerful than all of that.  

I look around, I get distracted.  I fix my eyes on Jesus, I can walk on water.  

Clarity.

Jesus wants me to come closer to Him, knowing that thats a process, a challenging and sometimes messy, terrifying, ugly mess of a process, but in the end, there is Jesus.  Drawing closer to Him is what I want. Communion. I refuse to let wind and waves distract me from that.  

When I feel the tension, when I get down....I am Peter.  Jesus is...well, Jesus :) Always full of grace. Always full of goodness.  Holding out His hand to me. As lies and doubts are expelled and rejected, I draw closer to Him.

I hope if you're reading this, you see where I am coming from, and...well..where I'm going. I hope you'll go there with me.

tor

ps...WAITTT. I just read it again.  When they got back in the boat, everyone WORSHIPPED Jesus, Peter calling out to Jesus, kindaa walking on water, and Jesus proving his Jesus'ness, people were free to Worship. hmm.... :) 

I'm learning....are you?

I have been learning so much this summer and God has been patiently and lovingly revealing lots of things in my life, that I should've been blogging through the whole summer.  Alas...here I am, end of July, blogging. Better late than never. Oh, and blogging is really more for me anyways, so if you're reading this, I hope you gleam something from it, I have been...

God has impeccable, perfect timing-and somehow that idea always shocks me.  Its like He has to do the same things over and over (throughout history and in my life), and everytime I go, "ohhhh, You were there all along!"  What causes that? Why do I doubt when I've seen so much evidence of His grace, His love, His presence?

I think it has to do with the same reason I focus on the negative... or I judge people...or I don't get involved with certain things...or I'm unforgiving...

Notice I used the word "I" a lot?  Maybe its not that God isn't there...maybe its that we are not using our eyes to SEE! Our eyes and our minds get so focused on things that are unimportant or contrary to what we should be focused on.  (i'm going to move from "I" to "we" now k?)

Why aren't we getting more involved at church or invest in not-so-easy friendships? Why is it easier to sit and play video games or watch endless seasons of Lost, then to love people? Is it because our eyes see our wants and our needs rather than reacting to the INFINITE amount of grace and love that God has and is pouring out on us constantly.  That love deserves a response....but WHAT ARE WE DOING WITH IT?!?! If God COMPLETELY poured Himself out for us, shouldn't that be our grateful response to Him? Earlier today I was thinking that, if we've decided we are Jesus-followers, then we should be in FULL TIME ministry (no matter our occupation).  Our eyes should be constantly fixed on the goal.  Our focus should be on forgiving as God forgave us, serving as Jesus selflessly and humbly served us! Yet, here we are, getting stuck in ruts where we complain about where we are in life.  HELLLLOOOOO!  Wow, what am I doing? Who am I loving? And am I allowing God to transform me BY OPENING UP MY EYES to what life really is about?!

ok, I just got really passionate.  But, I'm admitting to you that I fall into traps constantly where I close my eyes.  Can we just, as a generation, strive with everything we are, to open our eyes to the NEEDS around us?

I'm telling you, God's plan for your life involves the person you're talking to right now, or the person across the office...or the PEOPLE down the street, or that are sitting alone at church...AND the people in Africa without food....all. of. the.above. Lets start loving.  That's God's plan, right?

phew. i've learned much more. so...more later.

love. peace. JOYYYYYYYYYY. (its in there)

tor

life, to its fullest.

My grandmother is dying.

but...aren't we all?

Today in short, slurred together words, she said "I never got to live my own life."

That could partially be the morphine talking, but she maybe she truly feels that way. She has the chance to think about her whole life, what it was, what it could have been, and well, there's nothing she can do about the choices that she made. Can you put yourself in that situation?! To realize that all of your choices have brought you to where you are, to see yourself and how you've gotten the way you are. The children that you have, the grandchildren, the house, the car, the church, the bitterness, or the sweet memories, the vacations you did or didnt take, the moments that you chose to walk away or to stay and fight it out.

I believe my grandmother lived (and is living) with regret. I dont want to live like that. I want to take chances, so that when i sit years and years from now, i can think about the changes that God made in the world through me. Am i doing that now?! Do i have the courage to do what God has called me to do?!

All that said, Grammy lived(s) a good life. I'm so thankful for her. I'm thankful for her poetic spirit that binds us together, we're very similiar. I feel her pain in my soul, and its hard to escape. But i know, soon and very soon, she'll be pain free. This disease will leave her body and she'll live with our Creator forever. We all will....or we all have the chance to.

Let's live life.

Love.

Breathe.

Soak in God's presence.

and really be a light into the darkness.

go on that vacation.

be love to our coworkers.

write the song.

finish the novel.

live intentionally AND real.

lets be real.

twasout.

a little update

I like my life. Some days I have to remind myself of this fact, but I like my life. Lots of fun things are going on. My newest venture is helping leading Worship for our Church's Twentysomethings group. it was a small group but now its become a service, and its very fun. i like it a lot. who knew.

work is still work. next week i will be manager. so, sort of ....money in the bank. imma take you home with me. anyways.

Kristen came home for Easter. We all had Easter dresses and I got to play for all three of the Easter Services at Church, including leaving work to play at Saturday night's service..then going back. yay. haha. But the services went great! I played 'halo' by beyonce and i sang 'hope now' by addison road. some very cool stuff.

I'm trying Jillian Michael's 'Thirty day shred' but i keep taking days off. ugh. its intense. in a good way.

The warm weather is soooo wonderful. Tonight there was heat lightning and it was gorgeous to drive home to.

I'm not sure what else to say. My hair is boring me. haha. It so long. I'm working a lot. Trying to write some more tunes. trying?! what does that mean....dreaming. hoping.praying. discovering lots of new things about myself.

Life is a journey. The road is long and windy. But the sun is shining brightly straight ahead.

i hope you're doing well.

loveyou.twasout.

post play depression.

Hi!!!

I'm back! I almost typed 'my life is back to normal' and then i realized that i hate normal. i like crazy. its nice to have a break from it. most of my 'readers' have done/are doing theatre and know that when a show is over, its like leaving your family. you've cried, laughed, gotten to know, loved, hated, and rejoiced with the same 12 people for two months. so its emotional to leave them. Especially after this musical (Batboy).

1. Its an incredibly moving musical. I saw it, obviously, over and over, and each time i learned something i'd never seen before, and it made me really think. About how i treat people. about how people treat 'outsiders' and people who arent like them. My heart broke each time Edgar tried soooooo hard to become a part of the culture and was rejected. It makes me want to cry right now even thinking about it!!!!

2. Id never done the job of 'musical director' before. I'd performed a few times in musicals/plays but NEVERRRR had i gotten the music together, rehearsed with the actors, then CONDUCTED for the whole performance. if you'd asked me in college if i thought i'd be conducting for a musical, i'd laugh. but guess what?! i loved it. i feel like i learned so much. God is ssssoooo faithful. I went in knewing i couldn't do it and God was there. God sent people to encourage me, to push me, and then finally at the end HE made me realize that WHO AM I TO SAY THAT GOD CANT DO AMAZING THINGS that i thought could never be done?!?! You know, He's always doing that. haha. growing stretching molding shaping. ugh. It hurts but then its beautiful :)

3. I learned that i love theatre. I love the fusion of pop and classical voicings that theatre is/does. THere are so many techniques that are fused together to get the sound that is neccessary for each character. I love that. I love vocals. I lovvvvveeeee getting a great sound and a different sound from each character. I want to learn more about that. So interesting to me.

I love that God has gifted us differently and together we can make a great team. Such a blessing to work with people who are doing what they're meant to do.

ugh.

so out of all of this i've learned....GOD IS FAITHFUL. and He loves me. NO matter what. I asked to be used, and oops....i'm being pushed and used in ways i never thought i'd be. so....i'm in awe of a great and gracious and caring and personal God that is ever faithful even when i'm doubtful.

ugh. its the little things. that add up to the big duhhh moments of seeing God's glory.

More lata alligatas.

twasout.

HOLD ME BATBOY!!!!!

hi.

my life. my life is being eaten by.....BATBOY, the musical.

at first i was a little skeptical but i quickly fell in love with everything about this musical. the songs. the characters, and the underlying themes that realllly challenge me. ugh. its good. so....look it up on youtube and pray for me this week. i'm the musical director and its stretching me to play that role. yes. stretching. we have five shows this week, so....we're on the home stretch!!!! super pumped.

a longer post will come after that ok?!?

i hope you're doing well and know that you are beautiful.

The director said to everyone "don't settle for mediocrity. you were born for greatness"

loveyou. tori

adult.

The word adult seems really scary to me. I dont consider myself an adult, considering where im at in life, and maybe that's wrong but ok thats the way it is. Anyways, today, in my mind, i became a little closer to being an adult. i bought a car. i. bought. a. car. what?! more monthly payments?!?! tags. titles. blahahha......victory red!!!!!!! What a day. I like the idea of someday being self suffiecient. Anyways, just thought i'd mention how wierd it feels that I have a car. Not one that my parents gave me or helped me pay for, but one that i will be paying off for....FIVE YEARS. ahhh. Where will i be in five years?!

will i be here?

will i be married? have kids? live in another state? have more tattoos? join the circus? own a house?!?!?!

ahhh. the future.

God has proven over and over again throughout history and through my life that He is faithful and ALWAYS WILL BE. can you believe it? For right now, i'm where i'm supossed to be. being half an adult, or whatever percentage i am. i dont think i'll ever have it all figured out, so i probably will never consider myself an adult, but thats ok. i'm me. figuring it alllll out while serving one amazing, faithful God!!! :)

hope youre doing well. love you. muahhhhhhhh.

twas