life, to its fullest.

My grandmother is dying.

but...aren't we all?

Today in short, slurred together words, she said "I never got to live my own life."

That could partially be the morphine talking, but she maybe she truly feels that way. She has the chance to think about her whole life, what it was, what it could have been, and well, there's nothing she can do about the choices that she made. Can you put yourself in that situation?! To realize that all of your choices have brought you to where you are, to see yourself and how you've gotten the way you are. The children that you have, the grandchildren, the house, the car, the church, the bitterness, or the sweet memories, the vacations you did or didnt take, the moments that you chose to walk away or to stay and fight it out.

I believe my grandmother lived (and is living) with regret. I dont want to live like that. I want to take chances, so that when i sit years and years from now, i can think about the changes that God made in the world through me. Am i doing that now?! Do i have the courage to do what God has called me to do?!

All that said, Grammy lived(s) a good life. I'm so thankful for her. I'm thankful for her poetic spirit that binds us together, we're very similiar. I feel her pain in my soul, and its hard to escape. But i know, soon and very soon, she'll be pain free. This disease will leave her body and she'll live with our Creator forever. We all will....or we all have the chance to.

Let's live life.

Love.

Breathe.

Soak in God's presence.

and really be a light into the darkness.

go on that vacation.

be love to our coworkers.

write the song.

finish the novel.

live intentionally AND real.

lets be real.

twasout.

a little update

I like my life. Some days I have to remind myself of this fact, but I like my life. Lots of fun things are going on. My newest venture is helping leading Worship for our Church's Twentysomethings group. it was a small group but now its become a service, and its very fun. i like it a lot. who knew.

work is still work. next week i will be manager. so, sort of ....money in the bank. imma take you home with me. anyways.

Kristen came home for Easter. We all had Easter dresses and I got to play for all three of the Easter Services at Church, including leaving work to play at Saturday night's service..then going back. yay. haha. But the services went great! I played 'halo' by beyonce and i sang 'hope now' by addison road. some very cool stuff.

I'm trying Jillian Michael's 'Thirty day shred' but i keep taking days off. ugh. its intense. in a good way.

The warm weather is soooo wonderful. Tonight there was heat lightning and it was gorgeous to drive home to.

I'm not sure what else to say. My hair is boring me. haha. It so long. I'm working a lot. Trying to write some more tunes. trying?! what does that mean....dreaming. hoping.praying. discovering lots of new things about myself.

Life is a journey. The road is long and windy. But the sun is shining brightly straight ahead.

i hope you're doing well.

loveyou.twasout.

post play depression.

Hi!!!

I'm back! I almost typed 'my life is back to normal' and then i realized that i hate normal. i like crazy. its nice to have a break from it. most of my 'readers' have done/are doing theatre and know that when a show is over, its like leaving your family. you've cried, laughed, gotten to know, loved, hated, and rejoiced with the same 12 people for two months. so its emotional to leave them. Especially after this musical (Batboy).

1. Its an incredibly moving musical. I saw it, obviously, over and over, and each time i learned something i'd never seen before, and it made me really think. About how i treat people. about how people treat 'outsiders' and people who arent like them. My heart broke each time Edgar tried soooooo hard to become a part of the culture and was rejected. It makes me want to cry right now even thinking about it!!!!

2. Id never done the job of 'musical director' before. I'd performed a few times in musicals/plays but NEVERRRR had i gotten the music together, rehearsed with the actors, then CONDUCTED for the whole performance. if you'd asked me in college if i thought i'd be conducting for a musical, i'd laugh. but guess what?! i loved it. i feel like i learned so much. God is ssssoooo faithful. I went in knewing i couldn't do it and God was there. God sent people to encourage me, to push me, and then finally at the end HE made me realize that WHO AM I TO SAY THAT GOD CANT DO AMAZING THINGS that i thought could never be done?!?! You know, He's always doing that. haha. growing stretching molding shaping. ugh. It hurts but then its beautiful :)

3. I learned that i love theatre. I love the fusion of pop and classical voicings that theatre is/does. THere are so many techniques that are fused together to get the sound that is neccessary for each character. I love that. I love vocals. I lovvvvveeeee getting a great sound and a different sound from each character. I want to learn more about that. So interesting to me.

I love that God has gifted us differently and together we can make a great team. Such a blessing to work with people who are doing what they're meant to do.

ugh.

so out of all of this i've learned....GOD IS FAITHFUL. and He loves me. NO matter what. I asked to be used, and oops....i'm being pushed and used in ways i never thought i'd be. so....i'm in awe of a great and gracious and caring and personal God that is ever faithful even when i'm doubtful.

ugh. its the little things. that add up to the big duhhh moments of seeing God's glory.

More lata alligatas.

twasout.

HOLD ME BATBOY!!!!!

hi.

my life. my life is being eaten by.....BATBOY, the musical.

at first i was a little skeptical but i quickly fell in love with everything about this musical. the songs. the characters, and the underlying themes that realllly challenge me. ugh. its good. so....look it up on youtube and pray for me this week. i'm the musical director and its stretching me to play that role. yes. stretching. we have five shows this week, so....we're on the home stretch!!!! super pumped.

a longer post will come after that ok?!?

i hope you're doing well and know that you are beautiful.

The director said to everyone "don't settle for mediocrity. you were born for greatness"

loveyou. tori

adult.

The word adult seems really scary to me. I dont consider myself an adult, considering where im at in life, and maybe that's wrong but ok thats the way it is. Anyways, today, in my mind, i became a little closer to being an adult. i bought a car. i. bought. a. car. what?! more monthly payments?!?! tags. titles. blahahha......victory red!!!!!!! What a day. I like the idea of someday being self suffiecient. Anyways, just thought i'd mention how wierd it feels that I have a car. Not one that my parents gave me or helped me pay for, but one that i will be paying off for....FIVE YEARS. ahhh. Where will i be in five years?!

will i be here?

will i be married? have kids? live in another state? have more tattoos? join the circus? own a house?!?!?!

ahhh. the future.

God has proven over and over again throughout history and through my life that He is faithful and ALWAYS WILL BE. can you believe it? For right now, i'm where i'm supossed to be. being half an adult, or whatever percentage i am. i dont think i'll ever have it all figured out, so i probably will never consider myself an adult, but thats ok. i'm me. figuring it alllll out while serving one amazing, faithful God!!! :)

hope youre doing well. love you. muahhhhhhhh.

twas

hello :)

Did i tell you i am the musical director for a local college's production of "Batboy"??!? Look it up. Its so interesting and the story breaks me heart. Sigh. An incredibly challenging task i've been given. yep. and on late notice BUT I will do it, and it'll get done.

So, i've added that to my life. i'm stressed. Pray for me ok?!

Today was 60 degrees and it literally made my heart just like have butterflies. wait, maybe thats my stomach. hmm....no it was most definitely my heart. Like a breath of fresh air into my soul. I needed it. When life becomes complicated, the simplest 'whispers' mean the most to me i think. hmm...

Its february. My valentine was a girl. I ate a lot of chocolate and once again i loved valentine's day until the actual day. then, i was frustrated. couples everywhere. men showwwwin off. butttttt i know someday it'll (maybe) be my guy buying me flowers. we'll see :)

i started a journal. like just for myself. not a blog. wierd. but i find it realllly helping me to just write and write to myself. my mom just found a journal. listen to this, on her 25th birthday she felt compelled to write a journal for one year. that was the year she met my dad! she just read it again for the first time and is going to let us girls read it when we turn 25. ew thats this year. gross. but, i'm pumped about it. thats not why i started mine by the way (haha) but i loved the idea. I want to be able to look back and see how far i've come and i'm sure i'll forget all the little htings i'm going through so that'lll be neat to look back. ahhh. can you believe the future?!

hmmm...

i really dont know why i just blogged. hope youre having a great night.

twas

201111111. here we are.

hi 2011. its tori. good to meet you.

here's a short little post saying hello. and yes. i still read blogs. i just haven't written one in awhile. shame on me. here's a listy list of things. later i'll post more ok?

1. i had surgery. two weeks off work. whoa. lots of movies watched.

2. i put up a funny video on youtube (youtube.com/toriwithstar). i laugh when i watch it. whatever that means.

3. i'm back to work.

4. i'm going to a musical director of a play here in md. so. ah we'll see.

5. it keeps snowing.

6. i'm exhausted. i hope i dont have the flu.

there you go :)

loveyoulots.twas.