.twasofyourlife.

life, to its fullest.

2011-06-04T12:32:00.002-04:00

My grandmother is dying.

but...aren't we all?

Today in short, slurred together words, she said "I never got to live my own life."

That could partially be the morphine talking, but she maybe she truly feels that way. She has the chance to think about her whole life, what it was, what it could have been, and well, there's nothing she can do about the choices that she made. Can you put yourself in that situation?! To realize that all of your choices have brought you to where you are, to see yourself and how you've gotten the way you are. The children that you have, the grandchildren, the house, the car, the church, the bitterness, or the sweet memories, the vacations you did or didnt take, the moments that you chose to walk away or to stay and fight it out.

I believe my grandmother lived (and is living) with regret. I dont want to live like that. I want to take chances, so that when i sit years and years from now, i can think about the changes that God made in the world through me. Am i doing that now?! Do i have the courage to do what God has called me to do?!

All that said, Grammy lived(s) a good life. I'm so thankful for her. I'm thankful for her poetic spirit that binds us together, we're very similiar. I feel her pain in my soul, and its hard to escape. But i know, soon and very soon, she'll be pain free. This disease will leave her body and she'll live with our Creator forever. We all will....or we all have the chance to.

Let's live life.

Love.

Breathe.

Soak in God's presence.

and really be a light into the darkness.

go on that vacation.

be love to our coworkers.

write the song.

finish the novel.

live intentionally AND real.

lets be real.

twasout.

a little update

2011-04-27T00:01:00.002-04:00

I like my life. Some days I have to remind myself of this fact, but I like my life. Lots of fun things are going on. My newest venture is helping leading Worship for our Church's Twentysomethings group. it was a small group but now its become a service, and its very fun. i like it a lot. who knew.

work is still work. next week i will be manager. so, sort of ....money in the bank. imma take you home with me. anyways.

Kristen came home for Easter. We all had Easter dresses and I got to play for all three of the Easter Services at Church, including leaving work to play at Saturday night's service..then going back. yay. haha. But the services went great! I played 'halo' by beyonce and i sang 'hope now' by addison road. some very cool stuff.

I'm trying Jillian Michael's 'Thirty day shred' but i keep taking days off. ugh. its intense. in a good way.

The warm weather is soooo wonderful. Tonight there was heat lightning and it was gorgeous to drive home to.

I'm not sure what else to say. My hair is boring me. haha. It so long. I'm working a lot. Trying to write some more tunes. trying?! what does that mean....dreaming. hoping.praying. discovering lots of new things about myself.

Life is a journey. The road is long and windy. But the sun is shining brightly straight ahead.

i hope you're doing well.

loveyou.twasout.

post play depression.

2011-03-29T14:03:00.002-04:00

Hi!!!

I'm back! I almost typed 'my life is back to normal' and then i realized that i hate normal. i like crazy. its nice to have a break from it. most of my 'readers' have done/are doing theatre and know that when a show is over, its like leaving your family. you've cried, laughed, gotten to know, loved, hated, and rejoiced with the same 12 people for two months. so its emotional to leave them. Especially after this musical (Batboy).

1. Its an incredibly moving musical. I saw it, obviously, over and over, and each time i learned something i'd never seen before, and it made me really think. About how i treat people. about how people treat 'outsiders' and people who arent like them. My heart broke each time Edgar tried soooooo hard to become a part of the culture and was rejected. It makes me want to cry right now even thinking about it!!!!

2. Id never done the job of 'musical director' before. I'd performed a few times in musicals/plays but NEVERRRR had i gotten the music together, rehearsed with the actors, then CONDUCTED for the whole performance. if you'd asked me in college if i thought i'd be conducting for a musical, i'd laugh. but guess what?! i loved it. i feel like i learned so much. God is ssssoooo faithful. I went in knewing i couldn't do it and God was there. God sent people to encourage me, to push me, and then finally at the end HE made me realize that WHO AM I TO SAY THAT GOD CANT DO AMAZING THINGS that i thought could never be done?!?! You know, He's always doing that. haha. growing stretching molding shaping. ugh. It hurts but then its beautiful :)

3. I learned that i love theatre. I love the fusion of pop and classical voicings that theatre is/does. THere are so many techniques that are fused together to get the sound that is neccessary for each character. I love that. I love vocals. I lovvvvveeeee getting a great sound and a different sound from each character. I want to learn more about that. So interesting to me.

I love that God has gifted us differently and together we can make a great team. Such a blessing to work with people who are doing what they're meant to do.

ugh.

so out of all of this i've learned....GOD IS FAITHFUL. and He loves me. NO matter what. I asked to be used, and oops....i'm being pushed and used in ways i never thought i'd be. so....i'm in awe of a great and gracious and caring and personal God that is ever faithful even when i'm doubtful.

ugh. its the little things. that add up to the big duhhh moments of seeing God's glory.

More lata alligatas.

twasout.

HOLD ME BATBOY!!!!!

2011-03-21T23:22:00.002-04:00

hi.

my life. my life is being eaten by.....BATBOY, the musical.

at first i was a little skeptical but i quickly fell in love with everything about this musical. the songs. the characters, and the underlying themes that realllly challenge me. ugh. its good. so....look it up on youtube and pray for me this week. i'm the musical director and its stretching me to play that role. yes. stretching. we have five shows this week, so....we're on the home stretch!!!! super pumped.

a longer post will come after that ok?!?

i hope you're doing well and know that you are beautiful.

The director said to everyone "don't settle for mediocrity. you were born for greatness"

loveyou. tori

adult.

2011-02-22T23:09:00.002-05:00

The word adult seems really scary to me. I dont consider myself an adult, considering where im at in life, and maybe that's wrong but ok thats the way it is. Anyways, today, in my mind, i became a little closer to being an adult. i bought a car. i. bought. a. car. what?! more monthly payments?!?! tags. titles. blahahha......victory red!!!!!!! What a day. I like the idea of someday being self suffiecient. Anyways, just thought i'd mention how wierd it feels that I have a car. Not one that my parents gave me or helped me pay for, but one that i will be paying off for....FIVE YEARS. ahhh. Where will i be in five years?!

will i be here?

will i be married? have kids? live in another state? have more tattoos? join the circus? own a house?!?!?!

ahhh. the future.

God has proven over and over again throughout history and through my life that He is faithful and ALWAYS WILL BE. can you believe it? For right now, i'm where i'm supossed to be. being half an adult, or whatever percentage i am. i dont think i'll ever have it all figured out, so i probably will never consider myself an adult, but thats ok. i'm me. figuring it alllll out while serving one amazing, faithful God!!! :)

hope youre doing well. love you. muahhhhhhhh.

twas

2011-02-17T23:15:00.002-05:00

hello :)

Did i tell you i am the musical director for a local college's production of "Batboy"??!? Look it up. Its so interesting and the story breaks me heart. Sigh. An incredibly challenging task i've been given. yep. and on late notice BUT I will do it, and it'll get done.

So, i've added that to my life. i'm stressed. Pray for me ok?!

Today was 60 degrees and it literally made my heart just like have butterflies. wait, maybe thats my stomach. hmm....no it was most definitely my heart. Like a breath of fresh air into my soul. I needed it. When life becomes complicated, the simplest 'whispers' mean the most to me i think. hmm...

Its february. My valentine was a girl. I ate a lot of chocolate and once again i loved valentine's day until the actual day. then, i was frustrated. couples everywhere. men showwwwin off. butttttt i know someday it'll (maybe) be my guy buying me flowers. we'll see :)

i started a journal. like just for myself. not a blog. wierd. but i find it realllly helping me to just write and write to myself. my mom just found a journal. listen to this, on her 25th birthday she felt compelled to write a journal for one year. that was the year she met my dad! she just read it again for the first time and is going to let us girls read it when we turn 25. ew thats this year. gross. but, i'm pumped about it. thats not why i started mine by the way (haha) but i loved the idea. I want to be able to look back and see how far i've come and i'm sure i'll forget all the little htings i'm going through so that'lll be neat to look back. ahhh. can you believe the future?!

hmmm...

i really dont know why i just blogged. hope youre having a great night.

twas

201111111. here we are.

2011-01-22T23:28:00.002-05:00

hi 2011. its tori. good to meet you.

here's a short little post saying hello. and yes. i still read blogs. i just haven't written one in awhile. shame on me. here's a listy list of things. later i'll post more ok?

1. i had surgery. two weeks off work. whoa. lots of movies watched.

2. i put up a funny video on youtube (youtube.com/toriwithstar). i laugh when i watch it. whatever that means.

3. i'm back to work.

4. i'm going to a musical director of a play here in md. so. ah we'll see.

5. it keeps snowing.

6. i'm exhausted. i hope i dont have the flu.

there you go :)

loveyoulots.twas.

Sometimes Christmas makes me cry

2010-12-14T23:13:00.003-05:00

i'm emotional.

I have high highs and low lows.

I think sometimes i feel far too much and too deeply so i shut myself off and seem uncaring.

i need a middle ground.

Christmas is such a wonderful time and I'm a sucker for any Holiday movie, food, beverage, show, music, etc. Everything. I think what I love so much is the feeling of the holidays. Family loving a little more, friends caring a little more, Its cold outside so stores and homes are a little bit warmer, and theres plenty of hot chocolate to go around. mmmm. I can hear, smell, taste. and see Christmas everywhere.

I love that feeling. But then again, becuase thats such a high high, there comes the lows of realizing that I live an extravagent life. a life full of fun and laughs and jokes and time that i can do whatever i want. Yes, i work, but even at work, i'm not forced to get on my hands and knees for hours on end and do really hard stuff. Life is easy....

and that makes me sad. Why was i given so much?!! I dont deserve it. I disregard it and float by but what am i missing? Are the simplicites of a night spent on the ground by a dwindling fire and wondering where my next clean water is coming from, lost on me?! What do i do about that?!

Then i see adoption commercials on the tv and i cry. I just wanna fix the world. HOW DO WE FIX THE WORLD?!? Ok and i know that only the love of Jesus will save the world. cuz thats what we all need. SAVING. And i dont think it matters how rich or poor or extravagant or simple we are, we're all broken. I read somewhere that a lot of people dont want to accept Jesus as their saviour because 'they dont need a crutch' but if you're broken dont we need to be fixed!? Dont we need crutches if we cant walk on our own?! I love that idea that i read. We're all so lost and broken. But there is an answer.

And so i think thats why when i watch the news, my heart BREAKS. No matter the situation, people are desperate for saving, needing to be found and find a love that surpasses situation. ughhhghghhhh. THERE IS SUCH A THING AS PERFECT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and its free.

I truly feel like love is the answer. Lately, my catchphrase is 'live love.' Our lives should be an expression of love. Someone said 'when you learn how to love, thats when you learn to live.' another song says 'and if you need love, take the time to be love'.

i need to live more like that. maybe that's how change the world. Replacing the uncaring, float by, easyway, and loving. loving a lot. loving unconditionally. listening. responding. helping. actually caring.

i dont know what a whole life like that looks like but i'm trying to find out.

hmm....

can you imagine deciding ON YOUR OWN to give up your one and ONLY son to die for a world that has forgotten how to love?!?!?!?! Or to be a 13 year old mom and have NOBODY believe that you were given a child from God himself, or the shame of Joseph for still wanting to marry that same girl?!?! it makes me wanna live life differently.

i'm not sure how i got from loving christmas to this topic, but i dont care. its blogging, people. hahah have a wonderful Christmas ok?! love somebody.

i miss....

2010-11-16T11:11:00.002-05:00

hello

i wouldnt trade this year for everything. i've learned more about myself then any other year of my life. but....(hahah) this morning i've been thinking about the things i miss about my old life in mount vernon.

why doesnt someone tell you that when college is over all of a sudden youre pushed out away from all of your friends and into a strange new world and you have to CHOOSE something to do?! never in your life have you had to make such black and white choices-in my opinion. sigh. So, sometimes i feel like i'm wading in deep water. This is way more self-discovery than i ever had in college. Wayyy more. but its ok! I'm learning! ok....anyways....

1. Tim Hortons. Its 24 hours and always full of good conversation

2. random ensemble concerts and rehearsals. you know christmas is coming when you start rehearsing the Messiah!!!

3. Walking across the courtyard to just chill with friends. no plans needed. no driving. just hanging out and having random heart to hearts and/or just sitting watching hours of tv shows on dvd-for us it was gilmore girls. every season :)

4. Chapel. I miss the connection of really just taking the time three times a week to be among friends and learn about God. i miss that. a lot. When i go to church now its like i cant get enough and i want to soak it all in. i do LOVE my church though. love. like best ive ever been to. lovelovelove. side note hahah

5. Going to the chapel at Christmas. going up to the chapel ANY time and sitting at the piano with the lights low and just playing.

6. easton. i dont know why, but i miss walking around easton. we dont have a mall like that here in md. i want to try to get there around christmas and walk around and see all the christmas lights.

for now thats what i've been thinking about this morning.

i've also been thinking, this weekend, about what love is, and what it should look like, and what as a creation of our GOD, what i deserve when it comes to a future husband. Love. I think ill blog about that next :) I had major revelations.

hey. have a good day. if you read that and it depressed you, i apologize haha and once again i really do like my life now. just wanted to go back in ma mind.

love you.

twasout

monday.

2010-11-01T13:55:00.002-04:00

hello,

I've decided that someday I want to be best friends with someone who owns a coffee shop. I will come in and get free coffee and get to sample new drinks. I'll even be a barista once in awhile. Isnt this the perfect plan??!

I've also decided that every year for the rest of my life i will carve a pumpkin around Halloween while drinking apple cider. I love tradition. I love it.

I've also decided that if I ever have a child, they will dress like a pumpkin for halloween their first year. My friend's baby was a lion yesterday-also acceptable.

The holiday season is basically here. The excitement for me is already here. This year will be a good holiday season. My parents, when i first moved home, said "just wait. we're really fun at the holidays" How cool is it that i get to spend the complete holiday season with my parents this year. That hasnt happened in five years. Wow. So, I think for many years, I"ll remember this year :)

Hey, I posted a few more videos on youtube.com/toriwithastar so go ahead and check them out when you have a moment. They're sorta soft, but just put your ear near the computer and go with it :) hahah.

Hey, I hope you're doing well and remembering to enjoy the clouds and the stars. They're full of promise.

twas.

10 things i know about me.

2010-10-09T22:40:00.003-04:00

everytime i get super overwhelmed, i learn a lot about myself.
1. i like to be in control. ( i think everyone feels this way)
2. i am prlly gonna need someone to make a schedule for me and make calls for me and just tell me where to go when. haha oops selfish thought.

3. i like to get up early,when its dark and see the sunrise. its quiet. there's coffee. Its an innocent hour.

4. I dont like being manager because i never feel like i do a good enough job. i dont like letting people down and i dont like not being able to get everything done i need to.

5. i lovvvve my hair longer. i'm feeling extra creative with it. meaning, i'm going to get it done this week. officially.

6. i'm super lame. i wish all my friends were here in maryland sometimes.

7. i wish we could read each other's hearts like a book. i feel like i have so much to say but only so much time to say it.

8. timing is everything

9. i've decided i'm a morning person and a late owl. sometimes. haha. i like both. i just dont like the middle of the day. haha i'm an extremes gal.

10. the things i want and the things i NEED are different sometimes.

i hope youre having a great weekend. its the middle of my week. tomorow is yet another early morning, but my last one for a few days. holla.

if you wanna check out my new thang go to my youtube channel youtube.com/toriwithastar. nothing too exciting yet. just gonna sing.

loveyoumeanit.

twas.

september.

2010-09-20T16:38:00.004-04:00

Somehow It became September 20th, 2010.

whhhhattt??

one of my favorite things about living at home is...

Grammy can do way more than she thinks. Today we made pie and stuffed peppers. What a good time together. She stresses because she thinks she can't do anything but its fun for her to walk me through making dishes that she's made her whole life. what a wonderful time.

This month i began teaching music to four year olds at a preschool in town. Putting music in simple terms is such a challenge. Most older kids and adults have some basic knowledge of musical concepts but to be one of the first to create an appreciation for music and a beginning knowledge of music to kids is such a gift i think. I really hope we can have some fun-so far it is so exciting to dance and sing and see who has a little more natural talent than others. you can see it soooo young. i LOVE that. i hope it can continue to develop!!!!

I'm still working at safeway. what a challenge. what an environment. sometimes i love it. sometimes i hate it. the end.

Church is also going sooo great. I love this Church and i really havent been able to say that for so long. The Pastor speaks truth in a way that everyone gets so much out of it and its the first church i've been to in forever that the people actually went there becuase of the preaching. Usually its either 1. the people or 2. the music. Everyone discusses the music,....but here people get a bigger picture and get a lot from the whole service. I lovvve being able to play there!

so...september. family. church. work. growing my hair out. ahhh. love. life. fall. pumpkinspicelatte.

loveyou.

august. my month.

2010-09-09T23:22:00.002-04:00

here i am again.

august was such a good birthday month. i had five friends visit me-which is such a blessing considering i couldnt get out to ohio!!! such a great time! It made me not hate the age of .....24 for so much! haha Every year i always feel like my life is over when i turn the next age. how dramatic.

music is happening. i've sang at church twice this last month and am going to sing on sunday! (if you want, type my name in the search bar on youtube.com-my dad records my songs. lol). I'm loving my church. I love the friends i get to work with and i'm surviving my job.

Tomorow I start hanging out with the four year olds at my mom's school and i get to teach some music!!! This should be very interesting. maybe i'll dress like hannah montana hahhaha ;) We're going to dance and sing together, duh.

Well, i'm now the proud owner of a macbook pro. So, garage band has been put to use haha. i promise. I'm trying to figure it allll out. But i need to get myself in gear. I need to get serious about writing and crreating. sigh. yes. it needs to happen.

I think i'm learning a whole lot this year. i also think i'm pretty much over living at home. It works, and i'm so blessed to not have to pay rent-but....six years without this and to go back? not my favorite thing ever in the world. But i do love my family. I ADORE my grandparents and i am learning from them. i think i'm learning about marriage and relationships and love and support and sacrifice and compromise and loving the way other people need to be loved. so, lots of good stuff. haha

thinking about the future. i wonder where i'll be in a year. hmmm....

that's pretty much it. just an update. check out my facebook for pictures of my birthday month. :)

2010-07-21T00:14:00.001-04:00

my heart is overflowing.

over. flowing.

clifffffhanger. :)

workin it out.

2010-07-15T15:01:00.002-04:00

summer. My brain is running 2000 miles an hour. Yesterday i had to wake up at 5 am. As soon as I woke up i needed to change the world. I wanted to right all the wrongs. The thoughts that were screaming through my head were...... (here, i'll tell you. haha)

1. We can never get complacent. Been there. done that. We dont grow when we dont care. I really think God opens our eyes to what we need to work on at the moment and if we see that and embrace it and then.....change it! The thought of "i dont care" usually means that a. we care TOO much. or 2. we've gotten very far from who we are, if that makes sense, or what we used to care about. now, there are some things that we dont 'care' about but i'm thinking there shouldnt be that much. There is urgency in life. There is the matter of living life to the fullest and taking charge. Letting God lead, but really taking that lead and in little and big things, making the most of everything.

I think in college and right after i was living in fastforward and not thinking of how to better myself and become more Christlike-which is a daily process.

But...I dont think that everything needs to change at once. We live really fast, if that makes sense. We gotta slow it down. I really believe that. And we have to do it now. For me, the realization that i needed to 'become better' came when i realized i needed to start eating right nad excerisiing. Focusing on that one area of my life really helped me in my whole life. It translated into how to spend my time, how much sleep i got, how i felt, how i related to people, the confidence i saw in myself, i mean...it had so many benefits-still does. Now, physical appearance isnt that big of a deal, but the concept of choosing one thing to better yourself through does make your whole life different. idk.

My dad brought home a pamphlet about how thoughts translate into emotion. His company does wellness seminars (hahah i love that idea!). This was basically saying, a lot of people say they cant control their emotions, when their emotions are being triggered by events that happened and then the thoughts that follow. Anyways, just thought that was interesting. So, when i feel my anger coming on (haha) I really need to figure out why i let something get me angry. I"m trying to live by the statement, 'no one should have the power of you to make you angry'. I really think if i'm ok with who i am and i'm living the way that I belive i'm suposed to then someone else shouldnt be able to knock me over. Taht doesnt work in all situations, of course, because sometimes 1. we need to get angry and 2. sometimes the other person is right, but i'm talking about when someone offends you lor something like that.

why am i rambling?!? i was just going to talk about life. hhahha. but i like to blog. while watching everyday italian. hahah :) ahhhh cooking shows.

this week i'm manager of my seafood dept. ughhghg. so much responsibiility and work! I work every morning and have today off instead of tuesday. Today has been glorrrrious!!! When you work really hard, the time off is just wonderful. I laid in the pool, soaked up some sun, worked out, played some piano, ugh. glorious....

now what to make for my fam's dinner....

whoa. i'm sorry you just had to read all that hahha.

hope you're well and really taking a step back and thinking about life and the important-ness of being intentional :)

loveyoutwas.

fish tacos

2010-07-07T21:24:00.002-04:00

in a few weeks i'm getting my macbook!!!!! let the recording begin :)

summer is blllazzzing. like hot. and my body can't handle it because i work in a fridge.

i saw eclipse. did i love it?!?!?!?! DUH. Best movie of all three. and howard shore did that score. duh.

i just discovered ben rector today. amazing.

i'm not hating work. i am hating the work ethic there tho. People think i work too hard and that i shouldnt care because i'll just be leaving and the next person can do the stuff i dont get to. if that makes sense. wierd. i dont like that.

i hope you're doing well.

i just got a new book in the mail. isnt that always fun??!?!

i'm going to ohio this weekend. to play at a friend's wedding. Thankfully, this is the last one of the summer. It gets very tiring.

i love music.

God keeps showing me how faithful He is.

more later. just some random thoughts :)

monday monday

2010-06-14T22:58:00.002-04:00

clearly this month is having an identity crisis.

i'm addicted to cooking shows. i think its because i'm trying to learn how to cook by soaking up as much information as possible. i'm not sure that its working. but, i continue to watch.

i sang at a wedding on saturday. it was blazing hot, but i had a great time. I hadn't seen my roomate (the bride) in at least 2 years, and it was as if no time had passed.

dont you love when that happened?!

ethan, i'm back into writing ok? ;)

i'm trying to learn good habits this year. So far its really working. healthy eatting, sleeping, balancing things time-wise, practicing etc. We'll see how that goes from here on out.

i'm still OBSSESSED with reading.

my parents are gone and so i'm basically "at the grandparents" this week. I half take care of them, and they have take care of me. its cute and it works. we make it.

today, as i was listening to the radio, i decided that i'm over songs about sex and 'hot bodies'. get a new topic. thank you.

i got to swim for the first time this weekend.

i'm still working in fishville.

i'm still learning a whole lot about life. for example, after a certain age, its just not the optimum situation living at home. haha. it works for now, but how long will i be able to handle it?!?!?!

i hope you're doing well.

loveyou.
twas.

just for funnn.

2010-06-02T10:44:00.003-04:00

hello.

lately, aka the last five months i've been just a litttttle serious in my blogs. so today, i thought i'd just thought i'd talk about everyday life. just some fun things that are going on. because, lets face it, my life is SO funny right now.

lets begin with the grandparents. when i moved home, i didnt just move back in with the parents. nope. my grandparents (my mom's parents) moved into our house six months ahead of me. My grandma and grandpa-grammy and pappy- are probably some of the funnnnniest people and some of the most Christ-like people as well that i've met. Pappy was a Nazarene Pastor if serving in the navy, being a teacher, on the school board, etc. Gram raised the kids and was a greaaat pastor's wife. They are SOOOO musical. ugh. GRam always talks about how she can no longer sing on key, but everynight we sing a hymn and everynight she sings alto perfectly. ugh. they couldnt sing off key if they tried. purely amazing. like...flawless musically. sigh.

Gram and Pap dont always get along. Maybe its from years of being together, duh, but they fight like small children. And i get to watch, because they certainly dont hide it from me. Everytime Pap leaves the house, he's gone for longer than he says he's going to be and Gram worries. He hears about it for weeks. The cycle continues. haha.

They are prayer warriors. I hear them pray everynight and never get tired of it. They pray for our family, for the troops, for the hungry, the enslaved, the hurting, every day! An example like that, wow.

Ok, that wasnt so funny. But i got thinking about them and thats what came out.

i need to tell you about my job. at fishville. hahah....It truly is funny. i wish you could be there. but now i have to leave.

this morning i took my grandpa to get his hair cut and he left there with a woodworking magazine saying that the owner gave it to him. hmm....

now, i'm going to help take gram to her doctor's appt before i had to work.

finding joy in everyday is ESSENTIAL to our lives. God created such intricate beauty for us to enjoy in nature and ourselves. ugh. LOVE IT. so thankful

this post became very strange. more later. i'll try to think of something funny :)

loveyou.

tor.

thunderstorms at midnight

2010-05-27T23:57:00.002-04:00

hi. :)

i tell ya. this year. (shakes head)

i'm learning so much. and i'm not blogging. 1. cuz i'm tired. 2. cuz i'm just thinking so much all the time. its hard to blog about it all! ahh.

working at the store with a few people who HATE christianity, some who call themselves Christians, and others who are seriously trying to discover what life is about and what faith in God, or just...something, is what i've run into in the last few months. Never have I been in such a situation where so many people are hungerrrring so outright for meaning. At different ages and situations, these people spill their opinions constantly, question things, get mad, get even, love life, love family, get pissy quite frequently, think life is unfair...etc... I'm used to people hiding their problems and thinking "they're ok"

Sigh. and here i am struggling with purpose!!!! not that i dont KNOW that I have a purpose and I know that I want to follow what God has for me, but what does that look like?!? So....knowing that all these people i'm surrounded by neeed someone to love on them, makes me know that I"m where I'm suposed to be right now, at this moment in history (lol)

Summer is just about here. i'm SUPER excited. I love summer. The heat. Nature. Swimming. Vacations-or rather, for my family-daycations since I'll be working every second of everyday. hahah (just kidding)

I'm sure i'm just talking right now. for no reason. but know that i'm alive. trying to be motivated, but a little tired constantly. pray for me. and i'll pray for you. pray that we will keep the common ground. oops michaelwsmith moment ;P)

loveyou. and hope youre doing well.

tor

2010-05-04T23:03:00.000-04:00

"If you start getting rid of all the crap in your life, you'll find all the good things that have been buried underneath."
(viaethanlong)

well...

2010-04-12T22:42:00.002-04:00

life.
ever changing.
yet revolving like a door, hitting you with the past and pushing you towards the future.
all at the same time.

i now am a seafood clerk.
what i do doesnt define who i am.
i love the people i work with.
they challenge me.
inspire me.
show me a lot of things i wasnt getting being in 'the bubble'
real emotion. real experience. very different. dealing with drama head on a lot of times.

seafood. wierd. smelly-but not as smelly as i thought. cold-but not as cold as i had feared.

still writing. still hoping and believing. but now doing all that and making a little money. finally. to do something i dont hate-imagine that. and it feels good to get complimented at something other than music-as wierd as that sounds.

i'm just learning a lot. and so tired from working so i'm not on here much. but that needs to change. my thoughts cant freeze along with my hands-haha.

i like where i am right now.

There's You, holding my hand
and its You helping me understand that i'm made for a purpose,
though i dont deserve this
life that you've given me.
i choose to love You.
I choose to love You
because.
You loved me first :)

2010-03-07T23:26:00.002-05:00

why. not what.

the why becomes the what. the why leads to the what.

a change of lifestyle.

why?

happy moments and paradise

2010-02-24T00:10:00.005-05:00

Sometimes when I read a book.....wait, let me stop. I'm warning you. I get very caught up in stories. sigh...anyways...sometimes when I read a book and I finish it, my heart breaks. The book might end with two people falling in love or getting married (sorry, i read chicklit sometimes), and i read the last page, close the book, and my heart starts breaking. I can't decide if its because I've become too attached to the characters and I want to still be reading, or if its because I want a happy ending. If its because I want a happy ending, then shame on me. I dont believe that there is happy endings. I think there are happy moments and eventually a happy reunion in Paradise, but what is a happy ending? The stories "finish" but the people in the storie's lives continue (if they were real, haha). So, I think i'm latching onto what they're showing me is happiness-which isn't what my happiness is right now. But my heart still breaks. And recently (because of my caff-withdrawl) the breaking is lasting a few days. Actually, this is prlly because I just read yet another 15 book series. hahah... I'm dumb. But I loveeee stories.

I love love. I love moments. I love passion. I love learning and I love seeing relationships. Sue me ;)

Anyways, I just wanted to think through that. I'm sure there's more.

In other news, i did (yes) give up coffee and drinking caffeine for lent. Maybe I'll blog about lent and why I like lent but for now i'll simply say, I wanted to give up coffee because of two things. 1-i'm way toooo addicted. Its so unhealthy to be as addicted as I am. and 2. I wanted to show my suffiency on God and not on anything else. What a concept that I'm struggling with-as we all are. I am learning humans realllllly try to be sufficient on things.-themselves, substances, other people, achivements, moments, etc. I need to unpack that.

anyways....this withdrawl thing is kicking my butt. But i know, in the end, it will be a great thing.sigh. i know it. k?

i hope you're doing well and know that God made you beautiful the way that you are and you are made for a purpose. i believe that will all my heart. (yeah the broken one) ;)

more lata.

love.

2010-02-10T12:36:00.003-05:00

What We Want by Linda Pastan

What we want

is never simple.

We move among the things we thought we wanted:

a face, a room, an open book

and these things bear our names --now they want us.

But what we want appears

in dreams, wearing disguises.

We fall past,

holding out our arms

and in the morning

our arms ache.

We don't remember the dream,

but the dream remembers us.

It is there all day

as an animal is there

under the table,as the stars are there

even in full sun.

from Waiting for My Life (1981)

lovvve this.

amidst the snow.

2010-02-08T22:44:00.002-05:00

The snow is here. We have about 28inches.
.......more is coming tomorow. Probably 10-20 more inches.
epic.

My parents have been home for four days and probably will be here for the rest of the week.

I made a snow angel. There are pictures on facebook. Take a gander.

I don't feel so good this week. not discouraged though. just feel crappy.

Its Valentine's week. Its also the week of my grandma's birthday which of course..is Valentine's day! So, my grandpa is showering her with candy,chocolate,flowers,and balloons. very cute.

What else do I have to say?

Oh, i'm learning a lot about food, makeup/skincare, life, and music. interesting. I figured it was a good time to research and learn everything (hahah) while I'm home doing....nothing.

well, nothing really means I'm reading, writing, singing, playing a lot of piano, loving, starbucksing, trying to be healthy, etc. Its actually been quite cool to focus on things that aren't stressful for once. A big long break if you will...sabbatical???!?

I've been thinking about a lot of things but I have nothing profound or confusing to talk about.

ok. more later that actually means something :)

loveyouall. twas.

the move and ...forgive AND forget

2010-01-29T23:12:00.003-05:00

I'm home. in maryland. I've been here for almost a month. I'm learning. A lot- about myself. I feel like I'm at the eye doctor and he's put that machine over my eyes and he's asking, "is this better or this? Can you see clearer through A or B?" I'm having to decide and to figure out how to see clearer and how I can make myself see clearer the things I need to see. I have days of clarity and others of confusion. But, through a lot of hours of prayer and thought and discussion I truly do think I will come out of this experience changed for the better. By this experience, I mean living at home, giving up some of my freedom, moving seven hours from my whole life.

Do I feel like moving was the best idea for me? yes.
Do I miss Mount Vernon? as a city-no way! The Naz- nope. The People-duh.

This move has really forced me to ask myself where I am going. Not just where I am going, but how am i going to get there. I think that has been the question that has plagued my mind for awhile now. I may have a list of things I would love to accomplish-but what do I do first?

So, I spend my days learning. I feel like I need to have as much knowledge in my head as I can right now while I have the time. I'm learning about vocal technique, piano technique, song writing, and about myself. (i'm doing other things too. but...whatever)

Anyways, something I'm really learning is how to live without regret and to not let things in the past make me feel bad about myself or to hold grudges/be resentful. Umm...this is challenging. I think in the past year all of my stress has turned internal and created a horrible little stomach issue. So, whats the solution? Tried the whole 'blame it on organs in el stomacho' route but alas-every test came back with nothing wrong. So, I'm assuming now that at least some of it has to do with internalizing stress. The sad part is-a lot of it was not my stress to begin with. Sigh...so here's my solution.

forgive AND forget.
...i might write a book on this. haha.

Literally, the only thing that works to move on from the past is to 1. forgive others and yourself for bad things that might have happened. 2. realize there's nothing i can do to change what has happened. 3. realize that out of everything bad that has happened, there is ALWAYS good. always. a lesson learned, a friend made, a desperation that brings us closer to God.

In relationships, I've learned that no one is perfect-not that i thought anyone was perfect, but I think i've been learning how to love people. I'm NOT perfect- if you know me, then you know that. oops. BUT I'm learning that people make mistakes and i can not expect perfection from them. When things happen or I get hurt, I can either stay upset and allow myself to hurt myself by keeping bad feelings inside of my heart, or i can literally forget and move on. I'm not talking about forgetting and naively treating people the same way and allowing myself to get hurt BUT...

what does it look like to truly love someone?
should you love someone who has hurt you multiple times?

i think the answer is yes. getting hurt is a part of life, and i'm still trying to figure out how to love in a healthy fashion, and maybe having realistic expectations and dousing your whole life in prayer and trying to regulate your emotions (haha) is the key. Knowing that no matter what happens that you can't control other people nad that yes, you probably will be hurt is something that will help. I look at life as this perfect thing and then when it isnt I just get pulled down. But we do know the perfect sacrificial love of God-the love that can keep us alive when there is nothing else to live for and nothing else that really makes sense. How many times, in Jesus' life, did someone betray Him? How many people in the world did He share God's love and truth with that didn't believe Him or later turned away? Well...how can i deal with betrayal, confusion, etc? The same way Jesus did. sigh. Its something I'm obviously still working on.

I think thats what life is about. Learning. Loving. Desperately seeking God. Knowing that the only way to live a full life is to love as much as you can and go after what you love...sigh.

more to come... i dont even know if any of this makes sense because I dont read over what I write.

so..here's to more blogging in 2010.

loveyoutwasofyourlifeout.

Autumn's Newness

2009-09-26T21:02:00.004-04:00

Autumn always makes me feel more like an adult-a 23 year old-adult. I love the smells, the colors, the cold weather, the jackets, the boots, the sunshine and wind, the love and honestly, it makes me feel more serious. I love smelling the air and breathing it in-there's a newness about autumn.

I love music. The feeling I get when I sit down at the piano. The clarity I have when I'm playing the keys. Expressing myself for no one except myself and God.

Laughing.

Contentment.

Jesus.

Unconditional Love.

Breathing.

Loving.

relaxing

2009-06-16T20:31:00.002-04:00

The last two weeks have been wonderfully dramatic.

I love music. I love creating it and hearing it and making it better. I love doing so many different things with it. Hearing different genres and seeing peoples' talents that are completely different from others' talents. I love to see people who are so passionate and we can share in that and make a great product. I got to work with musicians who really and truly wanted to make the best possible music they could and I believe we came out of the last two training weeks with a great sound and a lot of genres and styles of songs that are really going to make an interesting summer musically. And these kids worked really hard. I don't know what i would've done with a group that didnt really care. THey loved it and I have full confidence that they will love this summer.

I want to keep doing all of these music things. I want to train, to inspire, to perform, to Worship, and to listen. all of them. for the rest of my life. yes. the end.

Everything is changing. my whole life is about to change. i think. who knows though. I now have to transition from representing a school to representing myself. I don't need to worry about how the school looks but how i look. Not that i need to worry about what others think but in representing myself its almost like i have to sell myself and prove myself on a constant basis. I'm not sure what i think about that. I'm not sure how to act, dress, think, or to go on. I'm just really confused. I know, however, who I need to represent and the way that He wants me to be. I am also learning that God is always here and I only need to trust in Him to get through each day. Now that I have a very open future (haha) God is giving me things to do one at a time and filling out at least a immediate future. Not sure where He's leading me. Not sure where I'll be in a month, or a year, but I do know who holds that. And i'm learning that. I don't think its just something that I can say in a cliche way, but I can say it in a way that so far God has brought me through and I know He will continue to do so. What is life without hope?

Today was good.
Tomorrow I'll worry about that day.
but for today, i need to only think about today.
so, what does that mean?

i'm working. i'm trying. I'm praying. I'm trusting. learning.

o gosh.

twasout.

my thoughts. right now.

2009-05-26T22:31:00.003-04:00

I think I'm beginning to change my views on life. yes, I think I am. And, I want to write these thoughts down so that I don't fall back into my trap of fooling myself with my old thoughts.

What right do I have to freak out about what life has for me? or rather, what God has for me? I've been so caught up in what people say i should be doing with my life and what I feel like I should be doing that I've forgotten that that is not what life is about. Like, I don't need to be planning my every move and deciding what I need to be doing for the next 20 years. My life is about today, not 34 years from now.

If God wants me to leave the country tomorrow, I'm going. If He wants me to be a Worship Leader in Texas, I'm going. None of this stubborness or lack of commitment. I love what I'm doing right now-even though its completely frustrating sometimes-I feel like its where I need to be. Mount Vernon. Mount Vernon. I can't believe I stayed and here and I can't believe I'm ok with it.

Also, what is life about? Achievement or People?

Taking the time to invest in people. What does that completely look like?

Its not what I want.

I really hope that these thoughts and feelings continue.

Then again, I wish I didn't have feelings sometimes. I'm so filled with emotion all the time. I've built up feelings towards certain things that I wish I could get out of my head. My head and my heart tell me two different things many times but I can only hear my head-which is stubborn and wrong a lot of the time. What is the truth?

I really have been enjoying getting to hang out with people more recently. I cried so much on move out day which is so unlike me. Is my apathy diminishing?! wow. Who am I and what am i becoming? And do I like it?

wow. i'm thinking a lot. but i think its a good thing. Lots of great stuff coming up this month. I'll try to keep you posted more than I have been. oops....

lately

2009-01-30T00:26:00.003-05:00

I don't really wanna write my life down right now.

My mind is everywhere. I'm very happy with a lot of things in my life. Some things...not so much. But I'm going to dwell on how my life is NOT a mess. Wow. Everytime i get myself down, God lifts me back up...Its amazing the depressing thoughts that are sooo very irrational. I don't know why I let myself think the same thoughts that bring me down constantly. Oh well..life is about learning and growing. The best thing about getting older, I think so far, is that I've made the mistakes and I don't have to do them again. aka I know what NOT to do. Interesting....

I could go into how its easier to make the same mistakes once you've done them...but its still something I'm thinking about hahah...

I don't regret things. I refuse, so there is today. A promise that we don't have to be like we were yesterday, we don't have to have the same thoughts or speak the same words. There really is NO obligation to being like our old selves. And i'm not neccessarily talking about before I accepted Christ as my Saviour=after it too....interesting. We should never stop growing and maturing. never. stopping or taking a break or not continually working on our relationship with Christ is definitely a mistake...

hello conviction on tori. haha.

I love Hebrews. just fyi.

hope you're having a brilliant eve.

twas.

a thoughtful week....

2009-01-22T00:04:00.002-05:00

This week I've been in a strange mood. My moods come out of no where as if a light switch has been flicked on or off somewhere in my brain. I didn't know at the time, though, that it was been turned on, however. But now, a few days later, looking back, it makes sense. A single event can stop my day, and its as if my brain suddenly remembers everything that has gone wrong in the last month and piles it on to whatever I've let bother me.

....see, I can see after one of these times what has just happened, but at that point I can do nothing to stop it. I need to figure it out, so I can stop the train.

But that left me thoughtful about my life and my priorities. What am I doing with my life? And I don't mean what is my 'career', but what am I doing with my everyday life and what/who am I living for? If I'm not thinking on a more consistent basis about life and how to challenge myself and what I'm doing with my everyday, I think I will have lost a bit of myself. So, there's my challenge, I guess.

I think that this 'thoughtfulness' has changed me this week. Who knows when I'll be my normal "chipper" self haha. what does chipper even mean?!? But, maybe I need this. I need to wake up and not just sit around and blah blah blah. I feel like i'm always saying this myself...yuck.

I hope your week is going well. Stop to think.

side note: i'm watching american idol. and there's actually good people on it. wow.

day to day

2009-01-14T11:43:00.002-05:00

This is one of those posts....where I don't know what I'm going to say until I write it. This tends to be the way I live though, so no surprise.

Well..I seem to be living day to day and just seeing what happens each day. I can't see what I'll be doing a month from now, a year from now...and it scares me. It scares me because I don't even know what I want to be doing or where I want to be. Sure, I've wanted to travel and still do, but it doesn't seem to be an immediate thing anymore for me to get up and go somewhere and travel. What happened to me? Who am I? I'm just not sure....

In other news, the snow keeps coming down making it almost impossible to do the things I want to do. Yesterday, I got to go make some music at a school with Dusty, and that was a lot of fun, but I almost couldn't get even over to his house because of the snow. Today I can't go to Columbus like I need to because of the snow. So...really, its beautiful, but come on...

Am I losing focus.....I need a revival in my heart....

I also need a new house. but that's a completely different topic hahah

I can't fall asleep anymore. It takes me hours to fall asleep. I really can't handle that.
I also keep alternating between four hours and ten hours of sleep. wierd.

Beyonce is brilliant.

come on tori.....

2009-01-07T01:42:00.001-05:00

update.

HI. My name is Tori. i'm 22. I live in Ohio. I am a musician. I love Jesus - a lot. I love to laugh - loudly. I see beauty in most everything. I'm passionate. I work but not enough. I'm a bit of a slacker, but I can't decide if that is cuz I'm lazy or just can't figure out what to do for the current time-prlly a combination of the both.

just thought i'd remind myself who i am....

This week has been fun so far. Lots of friends and eating and movies and going to the bathroom at kroger cuz my bathroom didn't work for a little while.
oops.

Sometimes I can see a longterm future, or at least dream about it. Somedays I see nothing but trhe moment that stretches into nothing...like my brain or heart is just existing. Which way is better to live? why am i asking so many questions this evening?

cockadoodledoo.

january has begun. 2008 is over. A good year, relatively. very wierd. It began with my senior recital and last sememster of MVNU (or so i thought.) Immediately starting as admissions counselor-M&M coordinator all summer with no days off and then kinda went to part time while singing/playing/leading Worship on the weekends. THat's where I am right now. I need another job. I want 2009 to be great. ew. i can't think of the future right now. i can't. I will sleep. oh yeah, remember how I shouldn't think when i'm this tired? its never good.

ok. so, there will be more soon. i just thought i'd write down what i'm thinking......

Christmas Break

2008-12-30T13:14:00.002-05:00

I'm watching Little Women with my mom and KT.

I'm in an awful mood.

Its hard to be in Maryland.

Its challenging to have my emotions all the time. how tiring.

I need to really just get away from everything. Well, Maryland. I'm not sure why my family can't get along considering I feel that my sisters and my parents are amazing and incredible people. Not sure really whats going on.

I'm reading Eclipse though. sigh....edward.

And we had a massive reunion with two of our familys that we always hung out with as kids yesterday. wow. memories. very wierd and like at some points things that i had forgotten came rushing back. very strange feeling....
but not at all bad :)

I hope your Christmas is going well...

I need to get a grip.

girls. who are we?

2008-12-23T21:25:00.003-05:00

i'm over it.

i was just on facebook. and i have something to say.

girls are desperate.

we all are.

for attention that makes us feel like we're wanted. (particularly by guys). a call, a look, a note, a facebook post, a text, etc. we NEED it. even if we don't like the guy...we need attention.

what is is that happens inside of us that we need that kind of attention?

I just saw a comment on an old friend's wall that said 'hey you never replied to my text so i thought i'd just post on here.'

here's one thing about guys-i think- if they really find you important or worth their time, they'll pay attention to you...if not, then they're over it, or were never into it....

even just guy friends seem to be that way....

I don't know. It disturbs me that we act and even feeel the way we do.

i'm over it.

i'm good. i'm independent. get over yourself ladies.

actually, i just was talking to another friend about this last week. the guy she liked wasn't paying attention to her....so i said. 'just live.' do what you want and don't think so much about it. really...

so. live. love. enjoy moments. but don't think too much. i mean, keep your head and be sensible, but be yourself and love.....

the end.

ps. guys have just as many issues as we do. but this is just one of i was thinking of. so guys, you aren't off the hook.

home in Maryland. what is home.

2008-12-22T17:09:00.002-05:00

hi.

i don't have much to write about.

i have been thinking a lot. maybe not enough though...

i think falalala lifetime has clouded my brain.

more later. if i can get on the compy again.

my hair is now cut. but you know that cuz you all have facebook lol..

i hope you're Christmas is going well..and yes, i consider all of "Christmastime" as Christmas...by the way...

conversations...

2008-12-16T21:20:00.002-05:00

This week has already been interesting and its really only Tuesday night. It feels like its been a whole lot longer....

I had a good conversation today and now it has me in a completely different mood than the rest of this week has gone.

lauren and dusty are good to talk to...

see, we discussed approval...and our view of ourselves...and what really matters...and the future...and what we need.

Approval- I seek others' approval, more than some. I'm not sure when that started but its as if other's constantly had to build me up or i felt like i had no worth. wow. But really....the cool thing is that even if everyone else deserts me and thinks I stink and even my closest friends are gone i still have one thing that can never be taken away. God's love is always wrapped around me..what an intense thought. Its as if He tapped me and said, 'hey, I'm still here and My love for you will never leave!" wow...

View of myself-- same as above...but then lauren brought up this thought...if i was standing in a field and everything had been stripped away, my friends, people who compliment me, my style, my hair (ouch), my musical ability, whatever...what would still be there??? I don't need to DO something or BE something for God to love me and to be in my life...

and if I truly want to serve God and Worship Him with my life, and if I truly believe that God is the most important thing in my life, I need to make Him the center of my life and strive to be more like Him. I lose focus so easily.....

The Future...isn't it scary? There's a lot to be done. A lot to see. A lot to encounter. Exciting...scary...but mostly exciting.

So...I need to keep focused. I really need to only say my sights on what is pleasing to God and what He wants for my life...everything else is a factor of that...something that stems from that.....

oh man.....what happens to me sometimes???? wow....

what?

2008-12-12T13:45:00.000-05:00

Well...all of my family has gone home for Christmas. This feeling just keeps getting wierder and wierder. My parents now ASK me when I'm coming home. i can go home or not go home. I can show up tomorrow (well not really haha) or in two weeks. Its very strange. I feel like this transition is simply me sitting in waiting room waiting for my name to be called. "tori. its your turn." Hahah. That really makes no sense, though because I get to do a lot of cool things. So, convince my mind of this, I guess.

side note: random fact: i'm very visual. i see things play out better than i can explain them. Ideas/concepts are shown in my head and I can't get out hahah...just look at the way i write lol And I think thats why I talk with my hands a lot...and one of the reasons I love music. you CAN NOT explain it. for real. Can you explain to me in terms that are very real and very evident and concrete that I should be able to hear a chord and hear all three notes and identify them and be able to sing/play them back in the same octave-what even is an octave? o gosh. music-such a mystery. and i want to keep it that way. I think that God speaks to me through music in intangible ways, and I can speak through it to other people and not be able to understand it-and I love that. I will never regret learning music theory or taking violin lessons (haha) but I really love not remembering some of the things that I learned. music. love. beauty. joy. in the soul.

whoa long side note...

...
Anyways, this weekend I'm playing for the Cantata at Lakeholm. This will be a completely different experience than last week! Wow-complete 180. I like that though. And my fingers have finally recovered from so much playing. Which means two things-one I play my electric and its harder to play, heavier...and number two-i need to play more..in general. I've done so much singing/piano-ing that I haven't done enough violin. Oh gosh-remember how you music majors will never stop being music "majors'-cuz you can ALWAYS be better. wierd. another thing i love about music. wow. anyways...

side note: there was a commercial that just sang a beautiful song that said "music saves your life" sigh....

Remember how i'm in love with music right now?
Thank you God for giving me that love that is gonna keep me going when I'm not sure what my life is about....or where i'm going......

sigh.

life......

enough for now.

2008-12-09T23:38:00.001-05:00

so.....
i'm not in college which is wierd.

tonight's party was fun :) mostly.

i like tacos.

i've never been this tired in my life.

i need to sleep.

a lot.

and then drink starbucks lol.

i'm watching will and grace. i love will and grace.

i love Christmas.

and being random.

but i'm pissy currently. dont know why......

traveling on....

2008-12-01T22:51:00.000-05:00

well, I'm in Michigan.

the end
;)

No, really.

But, today has been a time for reflection.
Now that college is basically...over..(kinda) I've had a lot and prlly to much time to think. For some reason that isn't good most of the time, but I think today it was. Here's what I thought about...

rehearsing tonight, I stopped and went "oh my word. do i even realize what mary did and went through?" (Jesus' mom). Why did that hit me then, I don't know. But it was so real, and it impacted me. Then again, there's something about this place that is really good for me. I think they appreciate the Arts a lot and it makes me feel comfortable to be here. Also, This play, or whatever you want to call it, is so passion-filled, so meaningful on some many levels and will reach sooo many people. they have a lot of community members who are dancers and set people..etc..its just amazing. It just realllly means so much. Wow....I can't even explain.

Ok, next!
I have gotten so far from the core of who I am - I'm not even talking about my faith or the fact that I believe in God- but I'm talking about what I like, what I don't like and who I am and want to be. The essentials are there, but have I been lying to myself about what I like in people or what I need to be or do to be more Christlike? do I lie to myself and say that I should/shouldn't do things cuz I don't have time when I do? Or do I really have reasons not to do things? I don't really know how to put into words what I'm saying...gosh...

then i just re-read that and thought God and Faith are the core of who I am...all the other stuff changes. But, sometimes I think that I'm one way and people see me the wrong way and I'll never be Christ-like enough in peoples' minds. Then I think maybe I shouldn't care so much???

ahhh.
wow.
that was out of control.

I also thought about my recording session in December. That will be fun.

Do you know I get to use a wireless mic for my electric and use in-ears. nice huh?
this is fun.
today i got to play the piano for a good hour and it was in this dark room that was just me....
sigh.
this is who i am.

ugh.....

I hope you didn't just read all that. you're probably almost as confused as me now!!!!!

twasout

2008-11-29T22:14:00.000-05:00

ok. i'm confused by this whole thing. really want i want to do is post a link to my xanga. that way i will only write one time....
tell me!
oh, and my xanga is xanga.com/musakprincess4jc

hmmm.......

New. maybe?

2008-11-29T21:37:00.000-05:00

I'm confused.